I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. I'm tired of pain; I'm tired of waking up a million times in the middle of the night because I rolled over on my side or stomach; I'm tired of wearing pajamas; I'm tired of being tired all of the time. I'm sad that I have to miss Christmas parties and sad that my body looks weird and I can't wear something cute.
I need to stop looking at Facebook because I see all these people in their fun sparkly dresses and I get sad because I can't do that this year. Even if I went somewhere for a little while, I wouldn't be comfortable because right now, my body doesn't look or feel good to me.
I'm sad because my best friend had to send picture texts of her trying on different wedding dresses to get my opinion. I'm the maid of honor, and I should be there.
I'm sad because I'm not working out and feel like I'm getting really out of shape. (Ok, this one I can actually do something about, since I have a treadmill in my house. I did walk on it the other day, but haven't been able to roust up enough energy to get back up there.) I also need to start eating better, but it's so cold outside and my mom is such a good cook...haha, I have lots of excuses for why I should be able to eat comfort food and/or cookies every three hours.
Everyone keeps telling me that I have such a good attitude about this whole situation, and for the most part, I do. I wanted to be honest with all of you out there though, who seemed amazed at my positive attitude and strength. Ok, here's the truth: I don't feel that way all of the time. I'm weak, and occasionally, like this morning, I start feeling blue. Usually it doesn't last too long, and I have ways of pulling myself out of the blue hole. I already feel better after writing it all down. I do pray about my attitude, and honestly, I feel silly praying about wearing sparkly dresses, and that kind of embarrassed, silly feeling of not wanting to bother God who is dealing with REAL issues sometimes knocks me out of my funk. I get a little perspective then.
Another way to make myself feel better, especially on Monday mornings, is to remember what I'm doing on normal Monday mornings--going to felony court. Almost anything is better than going to circuit court on Monday morning.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.
You're beautiful Alison and you'll have time to go to Christmas parties, work out, and eat well for the next 50+ years! We can have a Christmas Betsio in January when you're feeling better?!
ReplyDeleteYes, please! I miss Betsios! And thanks for the kind words; I needed to hear them today!
ReplyDeleteHi, cuz! Well I am jealous of you being able to wear cute "lil" dresses...hmmm been years since anyone has used little to describe anything about me. ;) However, please do not apologize for have blue moments. You have such an active, exciting life, and this is a big change, but it will only last for a little while and then you will be immersed in your busy life again. I do not know how I would be able to not be completely pessimistic about everything. But, I am very glad to know that you are human just like me. :) The girls said hello. Gwyn was sooo sleepy and fussy so I showed her the picture with Santa. She kept saying Santa in her cute little voice. We cannot wait to see you. I am thinking it is about time for some Cranium. I pick Austin because he was awesome last year!!! lol I love you!
ReplyDeleteKelly, I can't wait to see you and the girls! And to play some games...I'll actually have some time in Mtn. View this year, and I'm already planning on coming over to watch a movie and eat some of your yummy food!
ReplyDeleteYay! I cannot wait!
ReplyDeleteAw, I just now saw this. You are so perfect. Thanks for sharing your "funky" days with us, and I hope you are feeling lots better by now and keep getting better all the time!! <3
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