Roller Coasters

I've had a lot of people ask me why I didn't tell more people last year when I found out about the cancer.  The simple answer is that I didn't want people to worry.  The better answer is that I didn't want people to worry, and I was an emotional wreck.  I was on the verge of tears pretty much all the time, and I was so very tired, both mentally and physically.  My body was dealing with all the pokes and prods of constant doctors appointments, biopsies, and surgeries.  My mind was constantly racing with what ifs and fear.  I was also trying to work as much as possible because I didn't know how many days I would have to miss in the future.  So, the mental stress and physical exhaustion combined to make me a ball of nerves and tears.  Every time someone said something nice to me, I would smile, say thank you, and then cry as soon as I was alone.  I gave my family and closest friends strict orders not to tell anyone, until I was emotionally stable enough to deal with people approaching me with concern.  (By the way, not that I would ever encourage anyone to use a cancer diagnosis as a test of friendship, but I quickly found out who I could trust by asking people not to say anything.  I'm still upset about a person who told other people (acquaintances) who then approached me at a tailgate less than a week after my diagnosis.  I cried for several hours that day.)   I know that it may not make sense to anyone reading this, but it was what I needed to do to be ok.  I have a lot of amazing friends, many of whom didn't know about this until very recently.  My keeping it quiet has nothing to do with who I value or how deep our friendship.  I value you all of you very much and I consider you all wonderful friends.  Some of you live far away and we get to hang out or talk so infrequently that I didn't want to make our conversations about me and my issues.  Plus, I kept hoping that it would all go away, and then no one would have to worry about me.  It didn't go away, and I realized that I'm ok now.  I can handle talking about it.  Obviously :)

All that said, I'm still pretty emotional.  I have occasional breakdowns, usually over stupid things, like songs on the radio or cheesy tv shows.  And I'm pretty sure that I'll have more as it gets closer to my surgery.  So please continue to be patient with me, and thank you for understanding when I'm too tired to hang out or just acting weird.  I'm getting nervous and overwhelmed, but every kind word from you all makes it all just a little bit better.